It has been over a year now that my eldest has been physically attacked by her so called father. Since this happened back in August 2009 there has been no more contact.
Kids decided after this event that he would never change and was it worth persisting on a mistake. They were old enough to make their own minds up.
So we moved to a nice new house, each child has their own room, a loft to hang out when friends comes, 4 pets (2 hamsters and 2 guinea pigs), a 10foot trampoline in the garden, friends on the street that they play out with and they are both attending good Jewish schools and receiving a good Jewish education. My eldest had her Bat Mitzvah which was a success, she did ever so well in the synagogue, we had a lovely brunch and a party and the whole family came to share this important moment with us. It was the most fantastic 2 days we had had in times.
Kids are settled and happy and I am getting there financially, paying off the debts the ex left and due to the lack of proper child maintenance I incurred. I am now working for the University of Sorbonne and doing my translations, working for the PCT, interpreting now and then and also coordinating/teaching the Hebrew and Jewish studies lessons at the synagogue.
So we have been awfully busy the kids and I.
The father tried putting a solicitor on my back to burp his rights as a father. In November 2009 I received a letter from his solicitor demanding to know why contact had stopped and saying that he wished to take the children off to Brazil for a month in August 2010. She gave me 10 days to reply. I took my time, and on the deadline I replied. I sent the solicitor a statement reporting all that had happened and to everything that was being said evidence to support it.
I had all the emails from the NSPCC that were exchanged and confirming that we had contacted them when the ex hit his daughter, and that is was a serious matter, letters from the doctor, school, referrals to children's counsellors and a report from NEWS COURT, describing exactly what happened and why he was arrested in 2009 and the 180 hours of community service he received.
I can say that I never heard from his solicitor again.
Kids are very firm with their decision and do not want to see him any more. My youngest says he is dead to people and my eldest avoids speaking about him.
When we came back from Israel they asked me if it was possible to remove his surname from their name via deed poll, I was sorting out all my documents ridding myself of that surname that was still haunting my name and they said that they wanted to be like me. My eldest said: "A surname is something you should be proud to carry, why should I carry his name if I am not proud of him".
That was that, in September my children changed their names and documents. It felt like a weight was lifted from our shoulders. New start, new life... They even added their Hebrew names that I wanted to give them when they were born but the ex would make fun of it.
All I can say is that it is not always easy, but I am bless to have such a great mum and dad, sisters and family to support me emotionally.
Nothing goes missing for the kids, we travel, go out, have a life... We have someone special in our lives that is always there for us as well.
The ex contacted my little one on her birthday via email, he quoted: "Now and then I think of you guys". Nice! Gabs replied telling him to go away and not contact her any more, that she didn't like him or his girlfriend.
I just think that when a father really loves their kids he will do all he can to be there for them. But it is not the case, he was never a father, just a sperm donor.
Keep well!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
लैस एंड मोरे लैस
Men!! Some never change, even get worse!
The ex is a waste of space.
During the summer we went off to Paris and Venice for a week, he complained because I was taking my youngest to spend her birthday there. He complained because he didn’t find it right me taking her while he was in the UK. Funny enough he organises a trip to Brazil in December, when it is my eldest's birthday. But that is ok for him, as long as he is doing what is good for him it doesn’t matter.
He confronted me about this and said that in the summer 2010 he would take the kids to Brazil for a month. I said to him as long as he got a court order and paid a proper maintenance I could consider it, If not over my dead body. He fumed! Not happy with my decision, and not happy with the fact that he would have to move his backside and do the right thing he decided to torment my eldest by ringing her nonstop and going on about the fact that I wouldn't allow him to take them and for her to convince me. She being donkey years more mature than him told him that it wasn’t down to her and she wasn’t even sure she would want to go with him. He went on and on about it and she ended up getting annoyed. Not happy he continued to ring her and she wouldn’t pick up, she was at a friend’s house enjoying her summer and he was pestering her nonstop. He began leaving messages. He annoyed her so much that she blocked him on MSN and Face book.
When she finally spoke to him, which was the following Thursday, 13th August 09, he was sweet with her on the phone. The kids were due to go to his house for the weekend.
As the time was nearing to go, she said to me that she didn’t feel like going, she had a bad feeling. I told her to do what she thought was best. Her answer was: “I need to sort this out".
So off she went, after dinner he called her for a chat, he began saying that now she couldn’t put the phone down on him and she was going to listen to him.
An argument began; he began accusing me, calling me a monster, saying that she was a monster like me. She began to confront him and spoke her mind. He didn’t like it so, he told her to kneel facing the wall and stay there until he said so. She refused, he sent her to her room, and she said the only place she wanted to go to was home, to her home. He then began smacking her, dragged her by the wrist up the stairs, shut the door, took a flip flop and began smacking her nonstop. He then took away her phone and laptop so she couldn’t ring the NSPCC or child line. His girlfriend told him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen. After he was done, his girlfriend went up to speak to her and she told her that it as best not mentioning this to me. What an absurd thing to say!!
When she came back the next day she was in a right state, she told him that she hated him and never wanted to see him again.
We rang the NSPCC and child line and they told her that if she didn’t feel safe she had the right not to want to see him again. We spoke a lot, she was in pieces. It broke my heart.
We travelled the following Monday, we had a brilliant time, but he wouldn’t stop pestering us. Sending SMS, or trying to ring.
I told him that for me they would never see him again, because what he did was physical and emotional abuse! He tried to blame it all on her.
Now, I am not saying that I am an angel and when I write to him I don’t tell him some home truths, because that would be me being hypocritical. I do it. It angers me so much to see a person constantly lying and trying to portray himself as a saint.
Finally we came back, he was ringing, Jess said she didn’t want to speak to him, I told her when she was ready to let me know. He would try ringing her on her mobile, she wouldn’t pick up. Then he finally left her a message saying:
- I just want to know where I stand, because if you don’t want to see me anymore at least tell it to my face, like that I will go away and make a new family and be a good dad to them!
Honestly!!!!!! She was really upset with this. I told him that we would meet on the 5th Sept 09 and we would talk.
On August the 30th she told me that she didn’t feel ready for this chat, she didn’t want to see him yet. I told her to text him and let him know how she felt.
So she did, she wrote to him said to him she needed more time and that she was feeling confused and said that she would contact him as soon as she felt prepared, in the meantime to respect that and not contact her.
Now any good parent would reply, take as much time as you need I am here for you and waiting.
But in his case what she got was: I don’t think we are family anymore, so I am leaving you alone. Goodbye!
Honestly!!!! Who is the adult here?
Anyway, it has been 2 months now and on the 12th October he sent me an email telling me that is was absurd this situation, that he had his rights and how could I allow an 11 yrs old to make such decision of not wanting to see him anymore?
First of all, I didn’t tell her to make a decision, he asked her to make one, and she asked for some time, he didn’t respect it.
She doesn’t want to see him anymore, nor does the 9yr old; we have moved to lovely new home, new schools for them, they adore their new environment and friends, the freedom. They have friends on the street to play with, it is safe and sound. All I want is for them to get a great education and grow up with no problems.
He also mentioned in his email that he and his mum were very upset with the situation.
I went down hard on him in my reply, why? Because he was putting himself once more in the role of the poor wronged man, who did nothing wrong!
I also managed to find out that he took part in a £21000 MOBILE PHONE FRAUD SCAM!
It is shameful! Now do I want my kids to grow up surrounded by that?
I sent this to his siblings to let them know what he was up to and send them the link to how I found it. For someone to be in the court news on the net that shows people who have done something wrong and now have a criminal record.
All I want is to protect my kids. I work hard to give them stability.
Jess and I have our arguments, she is turning into a teenager, there are many tough times, but one thing I know is that smacking a child doesn’t solve the issue, we argue but we communicate. She is able to confide in me and open herself to me. She also tells me that she hates me sometimes, but what pre adolescent doesn’t say that? Didn’t you ever say it, I am sure I did say it to my parents.
Now the ex is threatening me. So let him threaten. I have done nothing wrong. Many times I told the kids that if they want to see their father they can. They both tell me that they don’t want to, that they prefer it like this, just the 3 of us...
What will happen next?
More threats?
Him going to court?
Well, we will see... They do say that a Dog that barks does not bite.....
Until next time!
The ex is a waste of space.
During the summer we went off to Paris and Venice for a week, he complained because I was taking my youngest to spend her birthday there. He complained because he didn’t find it right me taking her while he was in the UK. Funny enough he organises a trip to Brazil in December, when it is my eldest's birthday. But that is ok for him, as long as he is doing what is good for him it doesn’t matter.
He confronted me about this and said that in the summer 2010 he would take the kids to Brazil for a month. I said to him as long as he got a court order and paid a proper maintenance I could consider it, If not over my dead body. He fumed! Not happy with my decision, and not happy with the fact that he would have to move his backside and do the right thing he decided to torment my eldest by ringing her nonstop and going on about the fact that I wouldn't allow him to take them and for her to convince me. She being donkey years more mature than him told him that it wasn’t down to her and she wasn’t even sure she would want to go with him. He went on and on about it and she ended up getting annoyed. Not happy he continued to ring her and she wouldn’t pick up, she was at a friend’s house enjoying her summer and he was pestering her nonstop. He began leaving messages. He annoyed her so much that she blocked him on MSN and Face book.
When she finally spoke to him, which was the following Thursday, 13th August 09, he was sweet with her on the phone. The kids were due to go to his house for the weekend.
As the time was nearing to go, she said to me that she didn’t feel like going, she had a bad feeling. I told her to do what she thought was best. Her answer was: “I need to sort this out".
So off she went, after dinner he called her for a chat, he began saying that now she couldn’t put the phone down on him and she was going to listen to him.
An argument began; he began accusing me, calling me a monster, saying that she was a monster like me. She began to confront him and spoke her mind. He didn’t like it so, he told her to kneel facing the wall and stay there until he said so. She refused, he sent her to her room, and she said the only place she wanted to go to was home, to her home. He then began smacking her, dragged her by the wrist up the stairs, shut the door, took a flip flop and began smacking her nonstop. He then took away her phone and laptop so she couldn’t ring the NSPCC or child line. His girlfriend told him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen. After he was done, his girlfriend went up to speak to her and she told her that it as best not mentioning this to me. What an absurd thing to say!!
When she came back the next day she was in a right state, she told him that she hated him and never wanted to see him again.
We rang the NSPCC and child line and they told her that if she didn’t feel safe she had the right not to want to see him again. We spoke a lot, she was in pieces. It broke my heart.
We travelled the following Monday, we had a brilliant time, but he wouldn’t stop pestering us. Sending SMS, or trying to ring.
I told him that for me they would never see him again, because what he did was physical and emotional abuse! He tried to blame it all on her.
Now, I am not saying that I am an angel and when I write to him I don’t tell him some home truths, because that would be me being hypocritical. I do it. It angers me so much to see a person constantly lying and trying to portray himself as a saint.
Finally we came back, he was ringing, Jess said she didn’t want to speak to him, I told her when she was ready to let me know. He would try ringing her on her mobile, she wouldn’t pick up. Then he finally left her a message saying:
- I just want to know where I stand, because if you don’t want to see me anymore at least tell it to my face, like that I will go away and make a new family and be a good dad to them!
Honestly!!!!!! She was really upset with this. I told him that we would meet on the 5th Sept 09 and we would talk.
On August the 30th she told me that she didn’t feel ready for this chat, she didn’t want to see him yet. I told her to text him and let him know how she felt.
So she did, she wrote to him said to him she needed more time and that she was feeling confused and said that she would contact him as soon as she felt prepared, in the meantime to respect that and not contact her.
Now any good parent would reply, take as much time as you need I am here for you and waiting.
But in his case what she got was: I don’t think we are family anymore, so I am leaving you alone. Goodbye!
Honestly!!!! Who is the adult here?
Anyway, it has been 2 months now and on the 12th October he sent me an email telling me that is was absurd this situation, that he had his rights and how could I allow an 11 yrs old to make such decision of not wanting to see him anymore?
First of all, I didn’t tell her to make a decision, he asked her to make one, and she asked for some time, he didn’t respect it.
She doesn’t want to see him anymore, nor does the 9yr old; we have moved to lovely new home, new schools for them, they adore their new environment and friends, the freedom. They have friends on the street to play with, it is safe and sound. All I want is for them to get a great education and grow up with no problems.
He also mentioned in his email that he and his mum were very upset with the situation.
I went down hard on him in my reply, why? Because he was putting himself once more in the role of the poor wronged man, who did nothing wrong!
I also managed to find out that he took part in a £21000 MOBILE PHONE FRAUD SCAM!
It is shameful! Now do I want my kids to grow up surrounded by that?
I sent this to his siblings to let them know what he was up to and send them the link to how I found it. For someone to be in the court news on the net that shows people who have done something wrong and now have a criminal record.
All I want is to protect my kids. I work hard to give them stability.
Jess and I have our arguments, she is turning into a teenager, there are many tough times, but one thing I know is that smacking a child doesn’t solve the issue, we argue but we communicate. She is able to confide in me and open herself to me. She also tells me that she hates me sometimes, but what pre adolescent doesn’t say that? Didn’t you ever say it, I am sure I did say it to my parents.
Now the ex is threatening me. So let him threaten. I have done nothing wrong. Many times I told the kids that if they want to see their father they can. They both tell me that they don’t want to, that they prefer it like this, just the 3 of us...
What will happen next?
More threats?
Him going to court?
Well, we will see... They do say that a Dog that barks does not bite.....
Until next time!
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
what the hell!!! part 2
We had agreed that over the summer vacations he would collect the kids at summer scheme on a Friday and bring them back on a Sunday. He decided, because he is off to Brazil in December that he needs money to pay for his trip, so he got a Saturday job. Do I see any of that money? No! Of course being a selfish pig that he is, now he picks the kids up on Saturday at 5pm and brings them back on Sunday either 8.30 am or 2pm max! What quality time does he spend with his kids? None!! They go to his house, up to their room and stay there, one on the laptop, she doesn't go to her father's house without her laptop, she says it is boring and there is nothing to do, while her sister watches TV in their bedroom. He stays downstairs watching some stupid Brazilian channel. They ring me non stop saying they are bored. For you to have an idea of what type of man/father he is, on the week of the 26th of June, my youngest was ill with swine flu, I was at home with her since Monday the 22nd, looking after her and not being able to go to work. On the 26th my eldest one was ill as well with swine flu. I had rung him and asked him to spend the Friday with them as I had to go to work and I had also tickets to see The Killers at the Hard Rock Concert. He was suppose to take them to his place to spend the Saturday. He was supposed to teach a football class at 5pm. I said to him he had to cancel, I had missed work for a week and it wouldn't kill him to do the same. What did he do? The kids ring me at 17.30 saying that he left them alone to go and teach his class!!! I was fuming!!!! He dumped them for 2 hours at home and alone!!!! How do you leave 2 kids that are ill at home alone?? Why not cancel the class? This just goes to show you what type of man he is!! And you expect him to pay maintenance? He will try to get away with it as much as he can, and he will because the CSA does absolutely nothing!!!!! It is a failed system that should be shut down, and the money saved on not paying for the CSA employers should go to better use and given to the mothers who do whatever they can to bring their kids up and have a decent education and future!! It is revolting!!!
what the hell!!! part 1
Trust ex's to do the right thing! I don't think so. It has been very gruelling for several months now. I haven't had a maintenance payment for ages now, the CSA is doing nothing. Every time I ring them to know what is going on, they say they are in the process of taking the ex to Court to recover the arrears, but this has been going on for ages. I had an agreement with the ex that he would give me £50 a week and help with all their activities. Nowadays they only do ballet/tap and Hebrew lessons, which I am now teaching and coordinating the course. I wake up every Sunday to teach from 9.30 to 12.30, also to make an extra living an d make ends meet. The ex for about 6 months did things properly, then all of a sudden he decided to stop. I have been struggling for months now, had to go and see a debt counsellor to help me sort out my finances. When I tell the ex that I need help all I get is: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! But he has money to go on holidays, he has money to buy the girlfriend expensive gifts, he has money to go out drinking, buy fancy clothes, maintain his car and van, manage a 5 a side football team. What revolts me, what really angers me is that I didn't make these kids alone. Every time the kids ask their dad for something, he always says he doesn't have money. They asked him for money to buy end of the year presents for their teachers and go on outings, reply: I DON'T HAVE MONEY! My eldest is going to start secondary school in September and I had to buy the whole new uniform for her, do you think he even offered to help? She needs a violin, I paid £375 for violin and singing lessons at the new school, when I told him to pay half, his reply was: WHY DOES SHE NEED SINGING AND VIOLIN LESSONS? It is outrageous!!!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
What a Life!
It has been over a year that I haven't posted anything. Things started well and by the end of December 2007 things took a turn again.
The ex had decided to help me with the kids by paying a half for all their activities, school lunches and child support as long as I took the CSA off his back, which I did.
To start with all was going smoothly and we were all OK with the arrangements. But of course it didn't last. In December 2007 he decided that he was paying too much and why was it necessary for the kids to do so many after school activities! of course he would prefer them to be ignorant couch potatoes rather than doing ballet, going to brownies, learning french, Hebrew... No, none of this is important to him.
Anyway, he decided from then on that he wouldn't pay for any of their activities and that £50 per week for 2 kids was more than enough. With the credit crisis nowadays £50 goes really far. At the end of the day you ask yourself what more can I do? Can I knock some sense into this man's head??? The answer is no! For the last year and a half I have been trying so hard not to get angry or stressed with all of this. It is really heart breaking to see the father of your children being a miserable sod and not even thinking of their well being. I even had to take on a Sunday job, where I teach Hebrew for 3 hours so I can make ends meet, and that is because I work full time already and only have a Saturday to get a bit of rest.
Now my eldest will be starting secondary school in September next year and we will have to move so she can be closer to the school. It is a brilliant school, where she will me amongst good kids and have a great education. When the ex hears about it his reaction to that was: "So I will have to drive all the way to Ilford to collect them?". My eldest when she heard that said to him: "Dad, we are talking about my education here, I will not go to a bad school because of you!"
Funny enough, my eldest has been able to see many things now that she didn't see when she was younger. She is capable of speaking her mind, and expressing how she feels.
The kids love their dad, but sometimes they don't really like him. My eldest every time she comes home from his place seems to be annoyed. Many times the 2 of them ring me asking if they can come back home earlier.
They get annoyed with his girlfriend who is always around and according to them seems to be battling for his affection with them. They get annoyed because he promises things and doesn't fulfill them. They get annoyed because he complains he doesn't have money and then they see him spending on things for him and his girlfriend. They get annoyed because he says on thing and does another. They get annoyed because he doesn't pay the maintenance on time, we never know when it will be paid. They get annoyed because they see their mum getting stressed.
We had a frank and honest chat a couple of weeks ago the 4 of us, and many things were said. He went on saying that he had his bills and rent to pay and life so he didn't have enough for them as well,although he was working hard. She said to him: My mum has as well the bills and mortgage to pay, she works all the time and she gets no help form anyone, you have your girlfriend to share the things with you!"
It is hard for me to see my 10 year old girl having to be so mature.
Anyway, the fight goes on. I never know when I will be paid the maintenance, this time he took 2 and 1/2 months to pay me. Kids went on a school trip for a week and that cost me £500, any help? Nope!
So as you all see, things changed to better and then they changed again. I have the CSA on his back again but they wont do much as they are useless and limited, but at least when they are on his back they annoy him and then he starts paying again properly for a while. It is a game of cat and mouse.
Speak to you all soon!
The ex had decided to help me with the kids by paying a half for all their activities, school lunches and child support as long as I took the CSA off his back, which I did.
To start with all was going smoothly and we were all OK with the arrangements. But of course it didn't last. In December 2007 he decided that he was paying too much and why was it necessary for the kids to do so many after school activities! of course he would prefer them to be ignorant couch potatoes rather than doing ballet, going to brownies, learning french, Hebrew... No, none of this is important to him.
Anyway, he decided from then on that he wouldn't pay for any of their activities and that £50 per week for 2 kids was more than enough. With the credit crisis nowadays £50 goes really far. At the end of the day you ask yourself what more can I do? Can I knock some sense into this man's head??? The answer is no! For the last year and a half I have been trying so hard not to get angry or stressed with all of this. It is really heart breaking to see the father of your children being a miserable sod and not even thinking of their well being. I even had to take on a Sunday job, where I teach Hebrew for 3 hours so I can make ends meet, and that is because I work full time already and only have a Saturday to get a bit of rest.
Now my eldest will be starting secondary school in September next year and we will have to move so she can be closer to the school. It is a brilliant school, where she will me amongst good kids and have a great education. When the ex hears about it his reaction to that was: "So I will have to drive all the way to Ilford to collect them?". My eldest when she heard that said to him: "Dad, we are talking about my education here, I will not go to a bad school because of you!"
Funny enough, my eldest has been able to see many things now that she didn't see when she was younger. She is capable of speaking her mind, and expressing how she feels.
The kids love their dad, but sometimes they don't really like him. My eldest every time she comes home from his place seems to be annoyed. Many times the 2 of them ring me asking if they can come back home earlier.
They get annoyed with his girlfriend who is always around and according to them seems to be battling for his affection with them. They get annoyed because he promises things and doesn't fulfill them. They get annoyed because he complains he doesn't have money and then they see him spending on things for him and his girlfriend. They get annoyed because he says on thing and does another. They get annoyed because he doesn't pay the maintenance on time, we never know when it will be paid. They get annoyed because they see their mum getting stressed.
We had a frank and honest chat a couple of weeks ago the 4 of us, and many things were said. He went on saying that he had his bills and rent to pay and life so he didn't have enough for them as well,although he was working hard. She said to him: My mum has as well the bills and mortgage to pay, she works all the time and she gets no help form anyone, you have your girlfriend to share the things with you!"
It is hard for me to see my 10 year old girl having to be so mature.
Anyway, the fight goes on. I never know when I will be paid the maintenance, this time he took 2 and 1/2 months to pay me. Kids went on a school trip for a week and that cost me £500, any help? Nope!
So as you all see, things changed to better and then they changed again. I have the CSA on his back again but they wont do much as they are useless and limited, but at least when they are on his back they annoy him and then he starts paying again properly for a while. It is a game of cat and mouse.
Speak to you all soon!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
All is well...
Well what can I say, my ex husband has decided to turn into the responsible parent. After 4yrs battling for him to do the right thing, he finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel, or he got a lobotomy. Well at least he is doing what he should of done years ago while we were married. Maybe after not seeing his kids for 2yrs some sense was knocked into him, and he saw how much he missed out during these 2 yrs.
It is strange the things you have to go through life until the dust settles.
Things happened in a very daunting way to get to where I am today but finally I am managing to have a bit of piece of mind, and no more sour battles, accusations, arguments.
I reckon that life works in a mysterious way. It makes you go through so many different stages and feelings till you finally reach something positive. I believe that the reason why we go though all these difficulties in life is to make us value things in life and evolve as human being and stop taking things for granted. I believe that God tests us to see how far we will go and if we will succumb to the wrong way of doing things. Sometime we stop and think why all this? what have I done to deserve all this? And we experience feelings and emotions we never thought we would be able to feel. But great are those who aren't blinded by these emotions and don't succumb to evil.
I went through a nasty divorce with the ex, a lot of harsh feelings, anger, hate, unresolved matters. But funny enough after the divorce proceedings settled and we settled the assets, things just fell into place.
Once the kids began seeing the dad again and were coming home happy, I stopped to think why was I still feeding all this anger? Unresolved issues? YES!
And once I faced these issues and sorted them out, once I sat down with the ex and had a heart to heart, explained things regarding the kids, how they felt, what they expected, it seems to have done the trick.
It has been now 8 months since the kids started sleeping over at their dad's house and things have been going smoothly. Since then he began helping with all the kids activities, when I need to work till later he picks them up for me from club, when I have to travel no more need to count on baby sitters to look after them. I have more of a social life as well, because I have 2 saturdays per month free.
Things have changed and for better, a good thing about this all is that we are actually getting on well and we can be in the same room for more than 5 mins without being hostile. Of course we aren't the best of mates but we respect eachother. When the kids and I went off to Israel he took us to the airport and came to collect us. So that was money saved in taxi fares.
Although he only sees the kids twice a month, he is spending quality time with them, and I told him that they wanted the dad to themselves and not share him with females. I told him, enjoy the time you have with them because soon enough they will become adolescents and they won't want to know you.... And he took that in, so much so that now he will be travelling with the kids this may half term just the 3 of them.
Look, I am not trying to say that he is great, no he is not, far from that. What he does whenever he is not around the kids not my problem, as long as when he is around he respects them and looks after them properly and gets them to places on time, and pays for what he has to. So far he has been paying his share of the kids activities, school photos, kids outings... Kids come home happy, so I am happy.
So all I am saying is that there is hope, I pray for it to continue like this, and to eventually get weekly child support from him.
Take care
It is strange the things you have to go through life until the dust settles.
Things happened in a very daunting way to get to where I am today but finally I am managing to have a bit of piece of mind, and no more sour battles, accusations, arguments.
I reckon that life works in a mysterious way. It makes you go through so many different stages and feelings till you finally reach something positive. I believe that the reason why we go though all these difficulties in life is to make us value things in life and evolve as human being and stop taking things for granted. I believe that God tests us to see how far we will go and if we will succumb to the wrong way of doing things. Sometime we stop and think why all this? what have I done to deserve all this? And we experience feelings and emotions we never thought we would be able to feel. But great are those who aren't blinded by these emotions and don't succumb to evil.
I went through a nasty divorce with the ex, a lot of harsh feelings, anger, hate, unresolved matters. But funny enough after the divorce proceedings settled and we settled the assets, things just fell into place.
Once the kids began seeing the dad again and were coming home happy, I stopped to think why was I still feeding all this anger? Unresolved issues? YES!
And once I faced these issues and sorted them out, once I sat down with the ex and had a heart to heart, explained things regarding the kids, how they felt, what they expected, it seems to have done the trick.
It has been now 8 months since the kids started sleeping over at their dad's house and things have been going smoothly. Since then he began helping with all the kids activities, when I need to work till later he picks them up for me from club, when I have to travel no more need to count on baby sitters to look after them. I have more of a social life as well, because I have 2 saturdays per month free.
Things have changed and for better, a good thing about this all is that we are actually getting on well and we can be in the same room for more than 5 mins without being hostile. Of course we aren't the best of mates but we respect eachother. When the kids and I went off to Israel he took us to the airport and came to collect us. So that was money saved in taxi fares.
Although he only sees the kids twice a month, he is spending quality time with them, and I told him that they wanted the dad to themselves and not share him with females. I told him, enjoy the time you have with them because soon enough they will become adolescents and they won't want to know you.... And he took that in, so much so that now he will be travelling with the kids this may half term just the 3 of them.
Look, I am not trying to say that he is great, no he is not, far from that. What he does whenever he is not around the kids not my problem, as long as when he is around he respects them and looks after them properly and gets them to places on time, and pays for what he has to. So far he has been paying his share of the kids activities, school photos, kids outings... Kids come home happy, so I am happy.
So all I am saying is that there is hope, I pray for it to continue like this, and to eventually get weekly child support from him.
Take care
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
It has been a while
Well, it has been a while since I logged on and wrote. Why? I suppose it is because things have been serene with the ex. We are getting on well, he has the kids every fortnight and whenever I need a hand with baby sitting he is more than happy to comply. He has been paying his share of expenses towards the kids, which is quite helpful and shows his sense of responsibility towards his kids.
The good thing about all this is that we managed to find a common ground and get along as 2 mature adults.
It took a while, there was all the resentment, the anger, the hurt to deal with. After all it was an 11 year relationship, from which 3 kids were born. We had a lot and it all went to loss. But the thing is that the anger and the hatred blinded us. The fact that we were fighting in what we believed was right wasn't a positive aspect, why? Because we were hurting other people. Our families were suffering to see us in this situation and most important of all so were our kids.
But this is all water under the bridge now.
The good thing out of all of this is that I learnt to accept things for what they are.
You see, the human being is a funny thing. You have 2 types of human beings, the normal ones, who accept the pain, the suffering, knowing that even though things seem bad, something good always comes out of it. But they accept things as they are, they fight for a better situation, but they do it in a healthy way, without trampling over people, and considering in every step they take if they are hurting someone along the way. These people are considerate, loving and dedicated. They love their family, children and friends. They are loyal and do not use people as if they were a tissue.
Then you have the other type. The ones who have personality disorders, but do not want to admit it. These are the ones you really have to keep an eye on.
You know they say that there are around 6 million people who suffer from some sort of personality disorder, but most people affected won't present their symptoms to the doctor; they simply don't believe there's anything wrong with them, rather that other people are the cause of any problems.
The thing with these people is that they will go to any extent to get what they want. When I think of it, when I was going through my divorce I recall being blinded by the hatred and wanting to go to any extent to get what I wanted from the settlement. But funny enough as the case progressed I began seeing things in a different way, and because I had such great support from my family and my wonderful partner it was easy for me to transform the hurt and hatred into something positive. So in the end it worked out well for me, the kids and the ex.
You see they say that people who suffer from Personality disorders feel no need to take responsibility for their actions and won't accept being challenged or criticized. They want to be at the centre of a group of adoring followers, giving them the god-like status they think they deserve. So much so they are so afraid of death that they opt for Cryonics with the hope of being brought back one day and continue living as young and beautiful as they once were.
Fat chance of that happening. They will probably come back like zombies and full of medical conditions.
I find it appalling how people can be so afraid of death and will go to any extent to defy it. They will defy God's will, and nature. If God wanted the human being to live forever he would have given us the joy of eternity. As the bible quotes: The King Messiah will in some future time come, restore the kingdom of David to its former power, build the Temple, bring together the scattered of Israel, and all the ancient laws will again be in force. Sacrifices will be offered, and years of release and Jubilees will be kept as prescribed in the Torah. Whoever does not believe in him, or does not hope for his coming, shows a lack of faith not only in the prophets, but also in the Torah. For the Torah testifies concerning him in the words: 'And the L-rd your God will again bring back your captivity, and show mercy unto you, and again gather you from all the nations...If your outcasts be at the ends of the heavens, from there will the L-rd gather you...And the L-rd will bring you into the land which your fathers possessed...'(Deut. 30:3-5).
So why defy God and go against nature? It is part of life, you are born, you live, you learn how to age gracefully and then you die. The most important thing is to learn how to live your life to a max, with or without kids. Some people are blessed with the joy of parenthood, some aren't. Why? I cannot answer, it is God will, as it was God's will to take my son. But everything happens for a reason. Maybe if Ben was alive I would still ne stuck in a marriage that caused me pain.
But it happened and I moved on, I dealt with the loss, I dealt with the pain, I dealt with my divorce and I have moved on to greater things.
I have my kids, a partner that is devoted and lovely, an ex that is fulfilling his role and I have some me time.
Thank God I am free of any negative feeling as they consume you and blind you. Some people cannot simply accept things how they are. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. But if they don't you need to accept them and move on and try to find your happiness somewhere else.
I believe that when things don't go according to what we plan it was a way of God telling us that put happiness lies somewhere else. But some people are so consumed in getting their own way that they will go to any extent.
People like this are people who are usually suffering from NPD. You can point one out if you find the following characteristics:
A grandiose sense of self-importance ‚– Egomaniacs exaggerate their achievements and talents, and want other people to recognize them as superior.
Preoccupation with success and power ‚– They're obsessed with fantasies involving their own brilliance or beauty.
Arrogance ‚– The behaviour is haughty, their attitude conceited and they show rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.
Need for excessive admiration – Egomaniacs need attention, they want to be adored or, failing that, feared.
A sense of entitlement‚– They have unreasonable expectations and believe they desfavorable treatment.
Exploitative – Happy to take advantage of others, they use people to get what they want.
Lack of empathy ‚– Egomaniacs can't or won't acknowledge other people's feelings.
A belief of being unique ‚– They believe that they're special and can only be understood by and associate with people of high status.
Feel envy towards others – And believe others feel envious of them.
You know what, I am so happy I can deal with my issues in a healthy manner and always find a positive way out to all the situations I find myself in. It helps me evolve as human being, find equilibrium and happiness.
I pity those who suffer from personality disorders and persist on something that isn't meant to be.
Once I got rid of my paranoia to get the most out of my divorce and the way I wanted them to be, things just began flowing naturally and all came to a good end. The ex and I courteous to each other and the most important thing of all the kids are happy that mum and dad are getting on.
So keep well and sane, believe that all has a reason to happen and let go of what is not meant to be, you may be wasting precious time and missing out on great opportunities.
Until next time!
The good thing about all this is that we managed to find a common ground and get along as 2 mature adults.
It took a while, there was all the resentment, the anger, the hurt to deal with. After all it was an 11 year relationship, from which 3 kids were born. We had a lot and it all went to loss. But the thing is that the anger and the hatred blinded us. The fact that we were fighting in what we believed was right wasn't a positive aspect, why? Because we were hurting other people. Our families were suffering to see us in this situation and most important of all so were our kids.
But this is all water under the bridge now.
The good thing out of all of this is that I learnt to accept things for what they are.
You see, the human being is a funny thing. You have 2 types of human beings, the normal ones, who accept the pain, the suffering, knowing that even though things seem bad, something good always comes out of it. But they accept things as they are, they fight for a better situation, but they do it in a healthy way, without trampling over people, and considering in every step they take if they are hurting someone along the way. These people are considerate, loving and dedicated. They love their family, children and friends. They are loyal and do not use people as if they were a tissue.
Then you have the other type. The ones who have personality disorders, but do not want to admit it. These are the ones you really have to keep an eye on.
You know they say that there are around 6 million people who suffer from some sort of personality disorder, but most people affected won't present their symptoms to the doctor; they simply don't believe there's anything wrong with them, rather that other people are the cause of any problems.
The thing with these people is that they will go to any extent to get what they want. When I think of it, when I was going through my divorce I recall being blinded by the hatred and wanting to go to any extent to get what I wanted from the settlement. But funny enough as the case progressed I began seeing things in a different way, and because I had such great support from my family and my wonderful partner it was easy for me to transform the hurt and hatred into something positive. So in the end it worked out well for me, the kids and the ex.
You see they say that people who suffer from Personality disorders feel no need to take responsibility for their actions and won't accept being challenged or criticized. They want to be at the centre of a group of adoring followers, giving them the god-like status they think they deserve. So much so they are so afraid of death that they opt for Cryonics with the hope of being brought back one day and continue living as young and beautiful as they once were.
Fat chance of that happening. They will probably come back like zombies and full of medical conditions.
I find it appalling how people can be so afraid of death and will go to any extent to defy it. They will defy God's will, and nature. If God wanted the human being to live forever he would have given us the joy of eternity. As the bible quotes: The King Messiah will in some future time come, restore the kingdom of David to its former power, build the Temple, bring together the scattered of Israel, and all the ancient laws will again be in force. Sacrifices will be offered, and years of release and Jubilees will be kept as prescribed in the Torah. Whoever does not believe in him, or does not hope for his coming, shows a lack of faith not only in the prophets, but also in the Torah. For the Torah testifies concerning him in the words: 'And the L-rd your God will again bring back your captivity, and show mercy unto you, and again gather you from all the nations...If your outcasts be at the ends of the heavens, from there will the L-rd gather you...And the L-rd will bring you into the land which your fathers possessed...'(Deut. 30:3-5).
So why defy God and go against nature? It is part of life, you are born, you live, you learn how to age gracefully and then you die. The most important thing is to learn how to live your life to a max, with or without kids. Some people are blessed with the joy of parenthood, some aren't. Why? I cannot answer, it is God will, as it was God's will to take my son. But everything happens for a reason. Maybe if Ben was alive I would still ne stuck in a marriage that caused me pain.
But it happened and I moved on, I dealt with the loss, I dealt with the pain, I dealt with my divorce and I have moved on to greater things.
I have my kids, a partner that is devoted and lovely, an ex that is fulfilling his role and I have some me time.
Thank God I am free of any negative feeling as they consume you and blind you. Some people cannot simply accept things how they are. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. But if they don't you need to accept them and move on and try to find your happiness somewhere else.
I believe that when things don't go according to what we plan it was a way of God telling us that put happiness lies somewhere else. But some people are so consumed in getting their own way that they will go to any extent.
People like this are people who are usually suffering from NPD. You can point one out if you find the following characteristics:
A grandiose sense of self-importance ‚– Egomaniacs exaggerate their achievements and talents, and want other people to recognize them as superior.
Preoccupation with success and power ‚– They're obsessed with fantasies involving their own brilliance or beauty.
Arrogance ‚– The behaviour is haughty, their attitude conceited and they show rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.
Need for excessive admiration – Egomaniacs need attention, they want to be adored or, failing that, feared.
A sense of entitlement‚– They have unreasonable expectations and believe they desfavorable treatment.
Exploitative – Happy to take advantage of others, they use people to get what they want.
Lack of empathy ‚– Egomaniacs can't or won't acknowledge other people's feelings.
A belief of being unique ‚– They believe that they're special and can only be understood by and associate with people of high status.
Feel envy towards others – And believe others feel envious of them.
You know what, I am so happy I can deal with my issues in a healthy manner and always find a positive way out to all the situations I find myself in. It helps me evolve as human being, find equilibrium and happiness.
I pity those who suffer from personality disorders and persist on something that isn't meant to be.
Once I got rid of my paranoia to get the most out of my divorce and the way I wanted them to be, things just began flowing naturally and all came to a good end. The ex and I courteous to each other and the most important thing of all the kids are happy that mum and dad are getting on.
So keep well and sane, believe that all has a reason to happen and let go of what is not meant to be, you may be wasting precious time and missing out on great opportunities.
Until next time!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Monsieur mon MP has got in touch!
Well..... The CSA paid in a certain amount into my account to 19/10, and finding it odd, I rang them to find out what was that for, and what about the arrears dating June 2005??? Of course they passed me on to someone who didn't have a clue what was going on with my claim and he said he would look into it and find out who was dealing with the Variation of life style that I put in 6 months ago. He promissed he to get back to me the same day, guess what I am still waiting. Don't you just love the CSA??? What will happen now, will they get in touch, je ne sais pas!!!
In the meantime Monsieur my MP finally contacted me 6 months after I sent my email to him, well better late than never isn't it? He offered to look after my case and help me in my battle with the CSA, that he aslo believes is lacking a lot. I shall write to him and accept his help, maybe he can help in some way. Who knows?? Lets keep the faith, because if I go to him with negative thoughts nothing good will come out of it, so lets be positive.
What the CSA needs to realise (which I believe they do, but don't want to assume it) is that no Resident Parent can live with £5 per week and that they have to look not only at the Non resident parent's income, or whatever they declare to the Inland Revenue. There is more. No one can live on £100 pw nowadays, it is unrealistic! How the hell do you pay for your rent, food?? If the NRP can declare he lives on that income, how can he expect a RP to support her and his kids with what she earns? In my case I work hard and thank God I never relied on a man to support me, but kids aren't just a one parent responsibility, and if the NRP accepted that and sat down with the RP to put on paper the children's expenses and shared it wouldn't a lot of aggravation and stress be avoided?
Bottom line is.... You have kids they are for life! They need to be fed, clothed, do weekly activities, need entertainment, culture, to be stimulated intellectually and all that costs. So if the NRP was more conscientious and gave a normal and decent amount for child support to the RP, life would be oh so much easier and problems would be avoided by the bucket.
My ex husabnd and I are on good terms now, thank God, we are mananging to get on well for the sake of the kids. In part this happened due to my change of attitude towards him, due to the fact that I stopped seeing him as my ex husband and began seeing him as the children's father. When one manages to do that, put all the anger and hatred aside, things become so much more clearer. And due to that change in me, it resulted in a change in him as well.
When I began this blog it was at a time that things were really bad, the fact that the dad had vanished for 2 yrs , leaving me with all the bills to pay, which made matters even worse. But throughout the court proceedings things began to change and my mind began functioning in a different way, and that was due to my kids. They were sending me signals telling me that they wanted the right to see their dad, and who am I to stop them? At the end it is down to them to judge their dad how they want and not for me to brainwash them with what I believe or believed.
I am not saying here that I changed my opinion regarding him, I still believe he is lacking in some ways, but as long as my kids go there and return happy it is fine. I just don't want my kids accusing me if having kept them away from him. They have the right to make their own mind up regarding their dad.
But one thing I noticed was thar when I changed my actions, my life changed as well, and we managed to find a point of equilibrium.
Now, I don't think anyone should take the NRP to the cleaners, no he/she has the right to an income and a life, but the NRP should KNOW that kids generate expenses, and if they don't want their kids to be couch potatoes, living on oven chips and nuggets, they should put their hands in their pockets and offer the RP a realistic child support. I started this fight with the CSA and I will go till the end of it, not to revenge myself from my ex, but to prove a point to them that they need to be more realistic as to how they deal with the NRP and put their priorities in order ao that people who will deal with them in the future won't go though having to hear: You were granted £5 a week... Which is highky unrealistic here.
I do not want to put the ex in jail or have him punished reagrding the maintenance issue, all I want is the CSA and the NRP to pay what they really can afford, and not get away with a fiver a week! CSA has to let the penny drop and learn the £5 p/w is nothing!
I shall keep posted!
In the meantime Monsieur my MP finally contacted me 6 months after I sent my email to him, well better late than never isn't it? He offered to look after my case and help me in my battle with the CSA, that he aslo believes is lacking a lot. I shall write to him and accept his help, maybe he can help in some way. Who knows?? Lets keep the faith, because if I go to him with negative thoughts nothing good will come out of it, so lets be positive.
What the CSA needs to realise (which I believe they do, but don't want to assume it) is that no Resident Parent can live with £5 per week and that they have to look not only at the Non resident parent's income, or whatever they declare to the Inland Revenue. There is more. No one can live on £100 pw nowadays, it is unrealistic! How the hell do you pay for your rent, food?? If the NRP can declare he lives on that income, how can he expect a RP to support her and his kids with what she earns? In my case I work hard and thank God I never relied on a man to support me, but kids aren't just a one parent responsibility, and if the NRP accepted that and sat down with the RP to put on paper the children's expenses and shared it wouldn't a lot of aggravation and stress be avoided?
Bottom line is.... You have kids they are for life! They need to be fed, clothed, do weekly activities, need entertainment, culture, to be stimulated intellectually and all that costs. So if the NRP was more conscientious and gave a normal and decent amount for child support to the RP, life would be oh so much easier and problems would be avoided by the bucket.
My ex husabnd and I are on good terms now, thank God, we are mananging to get on well for the sake of the kids. In part this happened due to my change of attitude towards him, due to the fact that I stopped seeing him as my ex husband and began seeing him as the children's father. When one manages to do that, put all the anger and hatred aside, things become so much more clearer. And due to that change in me, it resulted in a change in him as well.
When I began this blog it was at a time that things were really bad, the fact that the dad had vanished for 2 yrs , leaving me with all the bills to pay, which made matters even worse. But throughout the court proceedings things began to change and my mind began functioning in a different way, and that was due to my kids. They were sending me signals telling me that they wanted the right to see their dad, and who am I to stop them? At the end it is down to them to judge their dad how they want and not for me to brainwash them with what I believe or believed.
I am not saying here that I changed my opinion regarding him, I still believe he is lacking in some ways, but as long as my kids go there and return happy it is fine. I just don't want my kids accusing me if having kept them away from him. They have the right to make their own mind up regarding their dad.
But one thing I noticed was thar when I changed my actions, my life changed as well, and we managed to find a point of equilibrium.
Now, I don't think anyone should take the NRP to the cleaners, no he/she has the right to an income and a life, but the NRP should KNOW that kids generate expenses, and if they don't want their kids to be couch potatoes, living on oven chips and nuggets, they should put their hands in their pockets and offer the RP a realistic child support. I started this fight with the CSA and I will go till the end of it, not to revenge myself from my ex, but to prove a point to them that they need to be more realistic as to how they deal with the NRP and put their priorities in order ao that people who will deal with them in the future won't go though having to hear: You were granted £5 a week... Which is highky unrealistic here.
I do not want to put the ex in jail or have him punished reagrding the maintenance issue, all I want is the CSA and the NRP to pay what they really can afford, and not get away with a fiver a week! CSA has to let the penny drop and learn the £5 p/w is nothing!
I shall keep posted!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
And the saga goes on.....
Well, so far no news.... The CSA said that they would chase up my ex for maintenance, so far still waiting.
I went on holiday and before I left they sent me a letter saying what were their next steps.
I came back from holiday there was a letter from them asking me to contact them. I did... What happened? They asked me the same questions that they always ask, regarding his work, life style, bla bla bla... Which they have concrete proof because I sent it to them.
Well.... I ended up fed up with it all and took matters into my own hands.
When my kids began seeing their dad again, as it was ordered via court and I did not contest, because I believe that if the kids want to see their dad you shouldn't go against them, because they will only throw it in your face as they grow. Anyway, kids began seeing dad again and I was dropping them off at his house for their fortnightly visit. As the visits went on, we began communicating, I couldn't just dump the kids and leave, it wasn't fair on them. So I began changing my attitude towards their dad. In reality what I did was put all the anger and resentment aside, and began focusing on the positive side of things. Such as the kids were more relaxed because they saw mummy and daddy getting on and not at each others throat, and hence the whole atmosphere was more relaxed. I also managed to put my anger and resentment aside, because the more I dwelled on it the more damaged I was doing to myself.
You see, hatred, revenge, negative feelings, negative thoughts that a person constantly has and constantly insists on ends up being a sad bitter person, who thinks that everything has to be the way he/she thinks is the correct way. People like that end up becoming so egotistical that they end up blind to another person's need and have to be constantly feeding their needs.. And believe me they will go to any extent to get what they want, trodding over whatever comes in their way, destroying people's lives, inventing lies, blackmailing emotionally and financially to get to their aim in life. I didn't want to end up like that... A bitter, sad, pathetic, egotistical, self centered, blind, mean person. I managed to open my eyes before it was too late, before hatred and revenge took over, and nowadays I can say that my ex and I have achieved something that I never thought would happen, an open port to communication.
This port managed to be opened because I changed my attitude, I forgave him for the past, and told myself that everything in life happens for a reason, and at least I got my kids out of this all. Once I changed my attitude, our mum and dad relationship became a healthier one. No more fights, no more courts, no more one attacking each other. Just a plain respectful and courteous relationship for the well being of the kids.
Now I can actually turn to him and ask for help with my eldest dental treatment, for him to buy their brownies and rainbows uniform, give them money for their school trips, helps pay for their ballet presentation outfits.... Maintenance? Well not yet, but I think I am going in the right direction and soon enough he will be paying for it.
We had a long chat regarding maintenance and he is ready to help, but maybe the best way is asking for things when they need it and he gives it. One way or the other it is a huge improvement from several months ago.
Hopefully by the time the CSA gets their act together he will be paying maintenance as he should. But I can say that I am much more content with the situation nowadays, because we are able to communicate and even be friends, much healthier!
One thing we have to remember is that no one belongs to anybody... Yes, we made our vows, yes several vows were broken, but that is life. You cannot hold one responsible for a promise made and broken, it is part of life. You cannot want to destroy ones life because things didn't work out according to what you had planned. Every one has the right to FREE WILL, the only person that can alter your destiny is GOD. Unfortunately some people think they are GOD and use the power they managed to get (of course through deceiving, blackmailing, threatening and lying) in a very bad way, and as they go on using this power and playing GOD they target people who are good people, something they can't stand. They will go on seeking more power, status and everlasting youth by using people as much as they can. You have many women and men that act like that throughout a divorce, a separation.... I thank GOD (the real one) that I never sought revenge or wanted to take the ex to the cleaners, all I ever wanted was justice and one to take responsibility for their actions. They day you decide to have kids you have to remember that they will be dependent on you until they are old enough to walk on their own two feet, and a MUM and DAD have that responsibility.....
Will keep you posted if any further developments regarding the CSA occur.
Keep well and positive!
I went on holiday and before I left they sent me a letter saying what were their next steps.
I came back from holiday there was a letter from them asking me to contact them. I did... What happened? They asked me the same questions that they always ask, regarding his work, life style, bla bla bla... Which they have concrete proof because I sent it to them.
Well.... I ended up fed up with it all and took matters into my own hands.
When my kids began seeing their dad again, as it was ordered via court and I did not contest, because I believe that if the kids want to see their dad you shouldn't go against them, because they will only throw it in your face as they grow. Anyway, kids began seeing dad again and I was dropping them off at his house for their fortnightly visit. As the visits went on, we began communicating, I couldn't just dump the kids and leave, it wasn't fair on them. So I began changing my attitude towards their dad. In reality what I did was put all the anger and resentment aside, and began focusing on the positive side of things. Such as the kids were more relaxed because they saw mummy and daddy getting on and not at each others throat, and hence the whole atmosphere was more relaxed. I also managed to put my anger and resentment aside, because the more I dwelled on it the more damaged I was doing to myself.
You see, hatred, revenge, negative feelings, negative thoughts that a person constantly has and constantly insists on ends up being a sad bitter person, who thinks that everything has to be the way he/she thinks is the correct way. People like that end up becoming so egotistical that they end up blind to another person's need and have to be constantly feeding their needs.. And believe me they will go to any extent to get what they want, trodding over whatever comes in their way, destroying people's lives, inventing lies, blackmailing emotionally and financially to get to their aim in life. I didn't want to end up like that... A bitter, sad, pathetic, egotistical, self centered, blind, mean person. I managed to open my eyes before it was too late, before hatred and revenge took over, and nowadays I can say that my ex and I have achieved something that I never thought would happen, an open port to communication.
This port managed to be opened because I changed my attitude, I forgave him for the past, and told myself that everything in life happens for a reason, and at least I got my kids out of this all. Once I changed my attitude, our mum and dad relationship became a healthier one. No more fights, no more courts, no more one attacking each other. Just a plain respectful and courteous relationship for the well being of the kids.
Now I can actually turn to him and ask for help with my eldest dental treatment, for him to buy their brownies and rainbows uniform, give them money for their school trips, helps pay for their ballet presentation outfits.... Maintenance? Well not yet, but I think I am going in the right direction and soon enough he will be paying for it.
We had a long chat regarding maintenance and he is ready to help, but maybe the best way is asking for things when they need it and he gives it. One way or the other it is a huge improvement from several months ago.
Hopefully by the time the CSA gets their act together he will be paying maintenance as he should. But I can say that I am much more content with the situation nowadays, because we are able to communicate and even be friends, much healthier!
One thing we have to remember is that no one belongs to anybody... Yes, we made our vows, yes several vows were broken, but that is life. You cannot hold one responsible for a promise made and broken, it is part of life. You cannot want to destroy ones life because things didn't work out according to what you had planned. Every one has the right to FREE WILL, the only person that can alter your destiny is GOD. Unfortunately some people think they are GOD and use the power they managed to get (of course through deceiving, blackmailing, threatening and lying) in a very bad way, and as they go on using this power and playing GOD they target people who are good people, something they can't stand. They will go on seeking more power, status and everlasting youth by using people as much as they can. You have many women and men that act like that throughout a divorce, a separation.... I thank GOD (the real one) that I never sought revenge or wanted to take the ex to the cleaners, all I ever wanted was justice and one to take responsibility for their actions. They day you decide to have kids you have to remember that they will be dependent on you until they are old enough to walk on their own two feet, and a MUM and DAD have that responsibility.....
Will keep you posted if any further developments regarding the CSA occur.
Keep well and positive!
Sunday, July 23, 2006
CSA are doing something at last!
VIVA THE
CSA!!
Well, after so many months I finally received a reply from the CSA regarding my dispute with them.
All I want to enhance here is that the fight with the CSA is not one to get as much money I can from THE EX, but it is a matter of principles, morals and getting the voice of many other mothers who are in the same situation as mine heard and something done about it. If I wanted to take THE EX to the cleaners (considering that he had enough to do so) I could have, but what would I get out of it? What is the point? Sweet revenge? Oh please! Even though people get married and break up, or live for a while together and then break up, everyone has the right to move on and find their own path to happiness. It is not because one has made you a promiss in the past that one will have to live up to it. Of course promisses should be kept don´t get me wrong, but what happens if the person you initially made a vow to seemed to be a complete different person at first and then with time the mask fell off little by little? and you went on discovering things that you didn´t really like about this person and promisses were made that one would change its way but never did and as time passed you would eventually discover more things that bothered you in this person and finally it wasn´t worth wasting your life with this person because you knew if you did it would be hell. If people just stay in ones way to make there ex´s life hell, in a way they are putting their life on hold and losing their own precious time and happiness.
I can say that I have moved on and that after all I have been through in the last few years it has been a great lesson, and I have evolved alot as a human being.
Anyway... The CSA has finally dealt with my application for a variation of life style regarding the ex´s life style and have finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel and are now taking action. Do I want the ex to end up in jail?? NO! How would my kids feel about that? That is not fair on them and so was said to the CSA. But at the end of the day if the person the CSA is going after to gather the information they need. If this person isn´t even paying the sum that was ordered and the arrears, unfortunately it is not down to me to sort it out. It is in the hands of the CSA, and if the Non resident parent was to help and tell the CSA the truth things will flow in a decent way. If NRP from the start told the truth things would be sorted out in an easier way and many silly disputes would be sorted out rapidly and precious time, stress and aggravation saved.
Of course for every rule there is an exception and unfortunately there are the so called GOLD DIGGERS that want to take the ex for every penny they have and make their life hell, but not for the sake of the kids but for the sake of their own comfort. Unfortunately these are the women that cause the system to go crazy.
For those who are reading this all I can say is that if you are chasing after what you believe is right for you and a good cause, be sure it is right and thruthfull. Do not do it with the intention of seeking revenge or because you need to be in control of things and everything is a game to you and you are not used to losing. Unfortunately when you do it in this manner the universe will conspire against you and your life will be thrown away because you devoted to much negative energy in someting that you believed was a right for you.
In my case I did this because of my babies, my 2 beautiful girls who have a whole life infront of them and need to see that the world still has hope and decent people, and they deserve the right to be brought up with decency learning good morals and principals. They have the right to an education and being cultured.
This fight has been all for my babies, not to get all I can get, but for one to know that when they have kids it is a commitment that they have taken for life and they have to be sure that the kids get a decent life and education.
The CSA is doing their part. The outcome I am still awaiting for it, but I do hope it is a positive one and that the ex will see sense and do the right thing for his kids.
I shall keep you all posted....
Friday, June 09, 2006
Reply on David Cameron's Behalf. Was anything done? NOT!
Thank you for writing to David Cameron - I'm replying on his behalf. I'm sorry for the long delay in my reply. Thank you for your email, we can appreciate your serious concerns about thefailings of the Child Support Agency. It is very clear to us that much morework must be done to sort out the chaos. Whilst we support the principle of theCSA, it is clear that the agency in its current form is unable to use itsenforcement powers effectively.There has been a mounting catalogue of mismanagement and chaos over the last fewyears, which questions the credibility of the basic structure of the system.This cannot be allowed to continue for the sake of those who are missing out onessential child support payments as well as suffering enormous frustration intrying to communicate with the agency.The Shadow Work and Pensions Secretary, Philip Hammond MP, recently askedGovernment Ministers to accept responsibility for failing to get a grip on theorganisation far sooner because their lack of political leadership has resultedin fundamental problems with the CSA not being addressed. As a result, hundredsof thousands of single parent families have experienced real hardship.The Conservatives have also published a list of key facts highlighting thecontinuing failure of the CSA, which include 330,000 cases left unprocessed; ahalving of face-to-face contact between parents and CSA staff since 1997; just61% of maintenance being paid correctly; over £3bn of arrears uncollected - 80%of which is now recognised as "uncollectable"; a 30% rise in complaints; and ITproblems resulting in thousands of cases switched back to paper files. Our social justice policy group are looking at, among other issues; familypolicy, parenting and childcare and support during the early years. To see further details of the policy group, please follow this link to theirwebsite;http://www.socialjusticechallenge.com/Thank you again for taking the trouble to write.Yours sincerely,David BealCorrespondence SecretaryDavid Cameron's OfficeHouse of CommonsLondon SW1A 0AA
www.conservatives.com
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Priorities do they exist? Joint residency? ha ha ha!!
I am still very annoyed with this whole crappy system. I rang the Inland Revenue, and reported my ex to them! Are they going to do something about it? I don't think so. You see that is why this country is so screwed, because everyone benefiting from the Queen's bosom and she seems to take pleasure out of it! Pardon my French!
I am just SO fed up of this whole rubbish system and I really wished that the PM, MP's, archbishop, Rabbi's, anyone would do something to change this living hell we live in!I emailed all MP's that exist and news papers to let them know about the situation but all I get is that I have a GREAT POINT! Yes I do! And so do many parents who have been feeling betrayed by the system. But do we hear about any changes. Well the NHS issue is more important at the moment, and lets not forget about all the so called deportees that should have been sent back who have vanished! Priorities? No, I don't think this government knows the meaning of the word priority! Maybe if they would stop and actually organize themselves this country wouldn't be in such a mess.
Now we have fathers who are saying that parents should have shared residency of the children I ask you:Would a dad give his life up for his kids? spend 24/7 time with them? Would he be able to go to work, entertain them, take them to their ballet/activities. Use his weekends to do things that are only child related? Juggle, work, home chores, the kids all in one go? Be there for them when they are sick, provide a safe/clean home? Take them travelling, organize play scheme for them? Would he be able? Because I can tell you it is a very demanding job, working and being a full time parent, you barely have time for yourself. So I believe that is why women end up with the custody, because they are prepared to give their life for their kids, it is a womans instinct to want to protect her kids and see to the,. Fun, socializing will come in 100th place. Would men be able or prepared to give up their footie game, or footie match on TV for the kids?
Would they be able to give up the pub or would they drag the kids with them to an inappropriate environment? Because one thing I can tell you is that my ex wouldn't do it. The one time I asked him to have the kids for a full weekend he dumped them with his sister and buggered off to Leeds to watch a footie match!
When we saw the Cafcass officer to discuss residency his exact words were: I love my kids to bits, but children have to be with their mother! Yeah that's reallllllly love isn't it? Love you kids but mum takes care of you so I can enjoy my free time!!
If the father is trustworthy, reliable and dedicated, I wouldn't have a problem with anything, because I know that they would be properly cared, and like that each parent has some time for themselves. I tried this with the ex, but he would dump them with his girlfriends, or sister, would bugger off to play footie, or would always have friends around, parties , drinking... They would return frustrated and annoyed. Or he would come and say that he couldn't have them because of things he had to do. So if the parents are both responsible fair enough, but when you are in a situation where the so called dad says: I love my kids, but they have to live with the mother, because mums know best, to the court, how can you trust a man like that? No question about their residency it has to be with their mum! it is a bit worrying, basically what he is saying is: I think I love my kids, but I really cant be bothered having them 24/7.
If a couple has parted on good terms and they are only thinking of the children's well being fair enough (something like out of a great Hollywood script, does it exist?), but if an ex partner is the reincarnation of the Devil (like mine, but with acute peter pan syndrome to top it up), and doesn't comply to the court orders, cant be bothered to support the kids financially and feeds them loads of crap, like when he sees them at the centre, I think that they shouldn't have the right to even think in shared residency, let alone seeing them. You want the right to see your kid do the right thing for them, be supportive and dont take revenge of your partner because he or she ended the relationship.
Parents who see their kids as mere trophies should just go to hell!
My ex vanished for 2 yrs, because I refused to let him take the kids away to Brazil for 4 weeks. Would you allow it? How was I to know if he was going to return them? And he would just dump them with his family, or friends, girlfriends like he did when he would have them from sat to sun. No, if a parent isn't considerate with his kids, like mine was always an absent father, always putting his mates and football before his kids, people like him should keep away, because the only thing that they are capable of doing is psychological damage. Like my ex has been doing.
Parents want access, ok fair enough but they should support the kids financially, morally, and emotionally... When the dad is a dedicated one, the contact should be easy to work out. But when he is a Pratt like 95% of them, then what? Judges close their eyes and allow contact no the child can't suffer and damage?? Is it a joke? Can't Cafcass or the Judge read through them?? So, what happens here is that the minority of good dads suffer because the 95% are ruining the good ones images. Shouldnt the good dads focus on working and sending positive messages to the bad ones?
I have work for many years now in court as in Interpreter and I did a lot of family court. So I see quite a lot of what happens. And one thing I can say is that the judge, who happens to be a male most of the time, cannot see beyond his nose. They keep on giving people chances and more chances to prove themselves and even though they don't, they still manage to get away with things. In most of the cases that I attended to as an interpreter it was the same story, the dad seeking access after vanishing, and usually has a history of non maintenance payments, no support what so ever, and then come back burping his rights! So I am not speaking for myself, or from my own personal experience, but from what I actually see happening in court while I am at work, and I shall remind you that I have no right to interfere, I just translate what is said.
I am not saying that Dads don't have rights, of course they do! But rights and responsibilities come together. How would a mum be seen if she didn't look well after her kids? Whhhhhhhaaaaaaaa It would be a scandal. If people want equal rights then they need to do the things equally. Why do men get better paid then women? Why can men go out and the mum stays home looking after the kids? Why is it that men continue their life as normal after a kid is born, but the mum gives it all up?
So either you achieve an agreement, lets both share the job of looking after the kids and working, or one of us looks after them but one has to provide! So what do you think, is it wrong? I am fighting for the well being of my kids, I never told the father to stop seeing his kids, he stopped because he decided to do so, then 2 yrs later remembers they exist.
Come on and do you actually think that a man like that deserves joint residency? He would dump his kids with his sister or girlfriends, was never capable of spending a whole day with them on his own. Even for his birthday he threw a bbq and hired a babysitter! So he could drink as much as he wanted. Look, this is my case, and I want what is right for the kids, and a dad that sees his kids as mere trophies and plasters them all over the internet is not really one that can be trusted with joint residency.
Once I had to go away for a weekend due to work, he refused to have them from Friday, saying that his time was from sat 4pm to Sunday. He told me to get a sitter for Friday night till sat; I had to plead with the man to have his own kids for the weekend. On fathers day kids were asking about their dad, I had to ring him and convince him to get the kids to spend the day with them, of course he couldn't come alone. He would dump the kids with no matter whom so he could play football or watch a match.
Now do u think that it is appropriate for a child to grow up amongst people holding pints or cans of beer, smoking and partying non stop? That is why I say, men who have always been good dads, no matter the situation and have always been present in their kids life, yes it is fair to have more access, they are a good influence a positive one. But not someone that never was present and every time we were on an outing or travelling would have a long face, because it wasn't as fun as being with his mates.
I would have loved my kids to have a devoted loving dad, but not everyone is born to be a mum or a dad. How many people have kids and go on living their lives as if nothing ever changed? Even my kids knew that their dad wasn't one to keep his promises. My eldest one would beg him not to go play football and spend time, but would he stay? How many times I would catch her looking from the window and asking when would daddy arrive? It was heart breaking. But she got used to his absence. I can say it wasn't hard for her to get use to it.
It is a hard situation and many people part on bad term, and when this happens unfortunately the kids suffer, but how do you fix a situation like mine? My ex doesnt give me a penny, and my income goes for the bills at home, ballet classes, pianos lessons, Hebrew lessons, club, brownies, theatre plays for kids, musicals (they adore), they have seen the Phantom of the opera, on film and in Brazil at the theatre, Les miserables, Mary Poppins, the lion King, Scrooge and so on, Ballets, Operas such as The Magic flute, classical concerts, travelling.
Now he doesn't fork out for none of this, and still complains that they dont go swimming! Bad mum I am! What about the school uniforms, lunches? Does the CSA actually reckon that the £5 he was asked to pay weekly for the kid’s covers anything above mentioned? Oh yes, forgot to say he still hasn't paid anything since June 05, still waiting! But in the meantime, he went skiing in Austria, spent 2 months in Brazil, and went for the carnival. What do you think about that? And when the kids ask him for a game for the Nintendo DS you know what he says? Daddy hasn't got money for things like that, but here are some crisps! I dont agree that mums should empower themselves, or seek vengeance using the kids.
All that I would like is people to live up to their responsibilities. Is that asking too much? Why is it that I can work full time, still working now from home, by the way, manage to pay child care, pay for everything for my kids and the dad doesnt even fork out £5 p/w? That is what gets to me, if they want equality then act equally!
As I said, I dont want my ex's money, actually I have been paying for the mortgage on my own since 2004, he dumped me with a mortgage of £1000, why so high? Because we re-mortgaged to buy a cafe for him in 2001 and he still runs, he would have legally to pay for his share that we re-mortgaged as he gets all the income from the Cafe and all I get is an up yours! But hey, that is normal, I am supporting his business aren't i? But that is ok as well, poor thing cannot pay for a share where his kids live. But it is normal for me to pay for the £70000 extra that was taken on top of the mortgage to buy the CAFE that HE runs and HE profits from, but has no money to give towards his kids! I could have taken it all from him if I was a real cow, but no, all I wanted was justice, hahahahaha do u get this in this country? At the end I was granted with the flat, which is being transferred to my sole name, and he has a £4500 over draft that I have been paying monthly, because he refuses to pay, he tells the bank he hasn't got money, and even though the court ordered him to pay it back to me in instalments and he agreed is he paying properly, hahahahaha NOT!!
All I want is my kids to grow up with knowledge, culture and happy. Is that asking too much??
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Rights for Mothers
Have you been let down by the CSA ( Child Support Agency)? Is your ex husband claiming that he has no money and cannot find work, therefore cannot help with the child's maintenance? Have you been working all hours of the day to make ends meet and give your children all the best? Have you given up your social life, are you living 24/7 for your kids, and hardly getting any support? Are you running after childcare?
If you answered yes to most of these questions then you are in the same situation as many mothers in the UK , me and a very close friend of mine.
The British government says that we live in a 1st world country, but honestly I feel that I am living in medieval times, when people manage to get away with murder!!
Why is it that a woman, a mother with a job can manage to wake up in the morning, get the kids ready for school, take them to school, go to work, pick them up from school club or their childminder, get home, bath them, feed them, help them with their homework, read with them, put them to bed and then look at her watch and see that it is already 9pm, and she still has to do some work from home! ( that would be my case). Weekends are dedicated to the activities that they cannot do during the week such as ballet, piano, swimming, etc.
I ask myself why are we women capable of doing all this? Why are we prepared and manage to give up our own time and life for the well being of our kids?
There is a simple answer to that...
We love our kids and we want to give them the best in life, we want them to learn values, morals and principals, so they can lead a healthy and stable life. We want them to grow up to be successful and happy.
Apart from the fact that women are more flexible, versatile, intelligent and can do many things in one go.
Why is it that men who father children, after a separation or divorce decide that they do not have anymore obligations what so ever towards the children? Making the child is fun isn't it? But they forget that a child is for life....
It is so unfortunate and sad to see all these men just forgetting about their responsibilities as fathers. We have Rights for Fathers organization... But what do these men want? Access to their children? Yes fair enough, no parent should be denied access, but a parent that wants access must remember that their children need to be fed, clothed, need toys, books, holidays, leisure , entertainment, birthday parties, hobbies and so on. They need attention, dedication, love, moral and emotional support.
Why is it that these men come and demand their rights but do not want to live up to their responsibilities?
Why do they see their kids just as simple trophies and not a human beings that need to be nurtured, loved, fed, clothed? Being a parent is being by their side when they are ill, through their tantrums, the changes that they are going through, through happy and hard moments.
Why is it that they can go to the CAFCASS officer and the courts and lie in a shameless way about their situation and point at the mother as being the villain?
Do they actually have an idea of what it is to be a mother? All the effort , time and dedication that is devoted to this little person, that you want to see to grow into someone good and virtuous.
Why can they lie about their income to the Inland revenue, go on the dole and work cash in hand?
What happens when they do that? Not only are they evading their taxes, but we are paying to keep them alive by paying our taxes.
What happens next?
The CSA only has access to their income via the Inland Revenue, if they are evading their taxes how will they know? If they are saying that they are on the dole or if they are working cash in hand and Inland Revenue isn't aware, the CSA will end up awarding you £5 , yes you haven't read wrong, it is £5 per week no matter if you have one, two or four kids!
This outrages me, and it outraged me so much that I and a friend decided to do something about it!
The so called Fathers go out dressing in super heroes outfits, chaining themselves to gates, climbing walls in protest, sitting on cranes to get their voice heard!! But if you stop and have a close look at these men who are seeking attention, you will find ex convicts, abusers, alcoholics, tax evaders, drug users, etc....
I have had enough of all of this, and these so called fathers getting away without paying the child's maintenance as it should be paid... If they want to have access to their kids they need to know that responsibilities comes with it.
The problem is that most of the mothers are too competent and they know that their kids will not go hungry or cold. All they want is to have the kids when it is convenient and parade them in front of their friends, but would they ever give up a football match, party or a good day/night out with their mates for their kids, would they? My ex use to see his kids on a regular basis, before he ended contact for 2 years, he would take the kids over night, but if he had a football match to watch he would dump them with his sister. If he had to play football he would just take drag them along and leave them with some female friend. Hardly ever would there be outings to the cinema, park, theatre, oh no, that would be demanding too much!! Pubs where all the friends would be were always more appealing. And he would always be sure that a female friend was with him to help him cope. To look after the kids while he would drink his pints!
My kids and I are always doing something over the weekend or when there is an event during the week, and I work everyday! According to the ex the kids can learn valuable skills watching Daddy playing football and having a drink in the pub! Yeah, lets learn how to be an airhead just like Daddy!!! yeahhhh!!
It is time we got our voice heard, but in a decent way....
We need to get our statements out there, we need the CSA to be revised and given more power to dig into the father's life, not only have access to the Inland Revenue... They need to have access to their bank accounts, credit card statements, how many trips one does per year, what are their out goings per week or per month...
I was so outraged with the CSA when I received my award maintenance letter that I cried like I hadn't cried for many months!
But I didn't just sit back and accept it! I began fighting for what I believed in... And now the CSA and Inland Revenue are taking the matter further... Will I get results? I don't know, I can only pray and hope and keep on top of them so they can do the right thing.
What I cannot admit is sitting back knowing that the ex travels at least twice a year, partying every night and laughing in glory to the letter that the CSA sent him demanding £5 in maintenance!
I ask you is it fair???
If you believe in this, and agree with me, and find your self in the same situation, please share your story with me, little by little we can start doing something about it. The more mothers we have the easier it will be. We will join our minds and get new ideas to sort this mess out.
Natacha
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